Why Animal Rights Wackos Wanted Knut Killed

This one is a must-read. It starts off hilarious and ends serious. I'll share the hilarious part:

I wish I could have been a fly on the wall at the meeting where the German environmentalists declared the fatwa against the baby polar bear.

"So, Helmut, what was wrong with my 'Kick a Puppy to Eliminate Air Pollution' promotional campaign proposal?"

"You're not thinking big enough, Konrad. We need something more compelling - more dramatic! How about 'Mock Handicapped Children to Prevent Global Warming?'"

"Ach! Derision of the enfeebled is too baroque; too recherché. Perhaps 'Deface a Cemetery to Raise Awareness of Mercury Contamination?' Or what about 'Fart Noisily in Public to Protest Fossil Fuel Dependence?'"

"Those are no better than my 'National Day of Spitting on Subway Seats to Save the Rainforest' or 'Cut off the Guy in the Next Lane If You Hate Urban Sprawl.' We need to think bigger, Konrad! Something dramatic. Something that will show the petty bourgeois that we aren't just spoiled trust fund kids engaging in low-impact street theater!"

"I've got it, Helmut! Let's demand that a polar bear be killed in the name of animal rights."

"Eh. Pass."

"But it's not just any polar bear, Helmut. It's a baby polar bear."


"You don't understand. It's not just any baby polar bear. It's the cutest baby polar bear who ever lived. It's absolutely heart-meltingly adorable. It has a cute name and cute beady little black eyes and a cute back-story and soft fuzzy white fur that was made for hugging."

"...I'm listening..."

"It will sell cute pictures across the globe. Animal lovers the world over will pay good money for little dolls of it. It will captivate the media and win the hearts of billions. I say - we condemn it to death!"

"Sounds good! But what reason will we offer for ending the life of our enemy, the adorable baby polar bear?"

"It must perish...because it is inauthentic."


"Yes. Its anthropocentric upbringing has forever alienated it from its polar bear nature. It can never achieve a state of one-ness with its true primal self. It is a dead baby polar bear walking. For its own good, for the good of all polar bears seeking spiritual integrity, it must be euthanized."

"Konrad, I believe you've found a symbol for our cause. The sweet fuzzy baby polar bear must die!"

Now that you've probably sprayed your beverage of choice all over your monitor, go get a towel and clean it up, then go read the rest of the article. The link, as usual, is in the title (the titles with the three colored dots are all links).